I am struggling to accept the place that God has put me in life. I have suffered with chronic illness all my life. I don’t like to talk about it and have always felt ashamed that I could not keep up with others. Eventually I discovered what is wrong with me. I take courage and write this, I have P.O.T.S. type Dysautnomia. (I faint from being upright for too long). How long it takes has varied widely over the years.
Learning how to manage my symptoms and new medicines have made a tremendous improvement in my condition. I am in my 40′s now. (That is something I can’t believe I shared). I am finally stronger, not normal, but closer, and I want my life back; the life I never had; the life I always expected to have. I want God to give me back the years that, “the locusts ate” (Joel 2:25).That looks to be impossible from here.
My Dad is now old and has mobility issues. I have become a caregiver. I was always supposed to write. I wrote for myself, but have been too insecure to share. I have always known what I want, the struggle has been to know what God wants.
I am reluctant to write about my health problems, loneliness, struggles and challenges. I was bullied as a child, and learned to try to hide my weakens as much as possible. Now I find myself sharing my words and life as I never thought possible. I am afraid of revealing too much of myself and regretting it later.
I have many times recognized how God has taught me through the illness great truths that I would never have learned otherwise. My tendency is to focus on my self-sufficiency. God has literally knocked me flat on my back repeatedly to teach me that He is in control. I have become aware that I am nothing without Him. I try to center my whole life around Him because I have become cognizant that nothing else is as important. Yet I still struggle with wanting things my way. Progress, “imperfect progress” as Lysa Terkeurst calls it in Unglued, that is what I have made. Each day I learn more from my time in Bible study and prayer.
The value of our lives is made up in what we spend our time on. My life may not resemble my dreams, but honestly, I have devoted more time to serving my parents, sister, Church, dogs and cats than any other pursuit. It has not been about fun, financial gain, or self-serving interests. I guess, if I had to appraise my life thus far, given the health I’ve had to work with, it has been well lived. I just tend to be dissatisfied.
Which leads me to my besetting sin, I struggle with perfectionism. What I have written is never good enough because it could always be better. What I have said is never right, because I do not always speak the most loving words possible. Nothing I do will ever be enough. That is why Jesus lives. He took all my frailties to the cross. I know this and daily I grow in this knowledge. Tomorrow will be better than today. Spring has come, plants are growing, I am growing in faith. I am growing in grace. His grace is enough!